It is kind of ridiculous how long it has been...but for everything there is a season- and I will be faithful to the ebb and flow that is laid out for me.
I have not had the chance to write because of the busy-ness of life and because of the difficulty in making my head meet my heart so that they could collaborate in the production of a truthful entry.
I guess I could begin by saying that it is so good to be home, but there is a bittersweet aftertaste, most certainly. There is something so captivating about this little ocean town, it plants something in your heart that entangles your whole being if you allow it.
There is a reason why captivating is the perfect word for Yarmouth because when you fall in love with this place, it takes you captive. There are so many sweet, sweet childhood memories that surface on the shores surrounding my home and it is difficult to tear my identity and my sense of personhood away from it's natural gravitation...that is, to all things foggy but also to all things sun-and-salt-kissed; to all things Maritimes. I think it is a hopeless situation and one that cannot be dwelt upon for too long or else all will be lost as all that is within me becomes captive to this place...never happy or satisfied anywhere else.
Life calls us forward but love calls us home. And although this is fair, and it is to be desired, it is a painful experience because we are forever strangers and sojourners longing for a constancy and for a home that no longer exists or if it did, its existence was primarily found in the aftermath of a good book or a single beach day's residue. This rose-tinted perception of the past is conveniently (and mercifully) only composed of the first fruits of our past, the restless days are left in the fog where they had their beginnings.
So there you have it...the past is largely illusion but it is preserved in our minds and hearts in such a way that there is no place we would rather live...the tug is forever noticeable and it is just enough of a pull to get us home with a broken heart.
Thank you Yarmouth, thank you childhood, thank you Jesus: for going before us always with a broken heart.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Breakfast in Galilee
Green of the countryside, wind in the trees
Dew on the roses, spring in the breeze
March of His soldier beating his drum
Source of sea's waves as swiftly they come
Washing and buffing our outermost shore
Where no power of man has ever before
Created and breathed life in the midst of the dead
Where water springs eternal- as so You have said
My eyes You have opened
On Your water I sputter
My mind You have cleared from the noise and the clutter
You call me to shore from the boat where I toil
Like Peter I swim from my world to dry soil
'It's the Lord!' It was said by him whom You love
I swim to You madly, my need for You grows
I want You to love me with that love that John knows
But yet I know firmly it is already mine
It is and it was from the dawn of all time
Because even today…
You catch all the fish and you give us the merit
You've purchased our souls that we may inherit
This intimate moment we share as fish fries
As dawn breaks above us in opal crisp skies
This moment is ours on Tiberias' shore
This one, Beloved, and so many more
As family you've bid that we share in Your feast,
With an eternity of chances to fix what we've damaged
As we look to our brother, as thrice he did manage
To remind us all gently that yes, we shall fall
But faithfully, surely, You follow and call
You bid us to shore to share in your meal
Like Peter I swim, and like Peter I'm healed.
Dew on the roses, spring in the breeze
March of His soldier beating his drum
Source of sea's waves as swiftly they come
Washing and buffing our outermost shore
Where no power of man has ever before
Created and breathed life in the midst of the dead
Where water springs eternal- as so You have said
My eyes You have opened
On Your water I sputter
My mind You have cleared from the noise and the clutter
You call me to shore from the boat where I toil
Like Peter I swim from my world to dry soil
'It's the Lord!' It was said by him whom You love
I swim to You madly, my need for You grows
I want You to love me with that love that John knows
But yet I know firmly it is already mine
It is and it was from the dawn of all time
Because even today…
You catch all the fish and you give us the merit
You've purchased our souls that we may inherit
This intimate moment we share as fish fries
As dawn breaks above us in opal crisp skies
This moment is ours on Tiberias' shore
This one, Beloved, and so many more
As family you've bid that we share in Your feast,
With an eternity of chances to fix what we've damaged
As we look to our brother, as thrice he did manage
To remind us all gently that yes, we shall fall
But faithfully, surely, You follow and call
You bid us to shore to share in your meal
Like Peter I swim, and like Peter I'm healed.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The Hidden Kingdom
Just as your majesty is veiled by a small white Host;
Just as your mother’s pure and spotless beauty was clothed in humility;
So do I wish to be veiled
So do I wish to be hidden
It is not in earthly pleasures I shall seek my comfort
For I have found my only treasure in You.
I did not find my treasure in the place where I saw the crowds trample before me;
I looked in barns and stables
I looked among the poor and the lost
And there I found You;
Encased in dirt,
And in the downtrodden baggage of human misery
I was looking with the wrong eyes before
But how quietly and knowingly I now gaze upon You;
Enamored,
In awe. Because:
You have hidden these things from the world’s nobles
And You have revealed all this to only the simplest of hearts.
Just as your mother’s pure and spotless beauty was clothed in humility;
So do I wish to be veiled
So do I wish to be hidden
It is not in earthly pleasures I shall seek my comfort
For I have found my only treasure in You.
I did not find my treasure in the place where I saw the crowds trample before me;
I looked in barns and stables
I looked among the poor and the lost
And there I found You;
Encased in dirt,
And in the downtrodden baggage of human misery
I was looking with the wrong eyes before
But how quietly and knowingly I now gaze upon You;
Enamored,
In awe. Because:
You have hidden these things from the world’s nobles
And You have revealed all this to only the simplest of hearts.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
On Holiness
As is sung by Danielle Rose- "Holiness is Faithfulness"...
The holiness we all want, as children of the John Paul II generation is holiness in its simplest form. For surely true holiness is essentially this: the aroma that emanates from a simple heart. This holiness is without the trappings and the complexities that plague all other areas of our society. It is paradoxical in that it is simple to live out once gained but so difficult to attain by human effort. By this very fact, we establish its supernatural nature…this holiness seems to find those who befriend silence regardless of their state of life. The activist can find it just as surely as can the contemplative.
This true holiness is a divine science that is unitive (brings together opposites: the introvert and extrovert, the academic and the blue-collar worker). It is without principle but richly layered and unmistakeable in its manifestations. Those who ‘emit’ this fragrance are mostly unaware or are indifferent to this emission because this holiness-in all its sweetness- is merely secondary. The only thing that matters to the truly holy is communion with the Beloved. Anything else that flows forth as a fruit of this union is considered superfluous to the enamoured.
The devotion of the saints is unique in that it is completely object-centred. Devotion springs forth from love in the way a mother fusses over her child. Love underlies all of her efforts and even the most eccentric movements of a mother’s heart towards her child are out of a selfless, all-consuming love. So it is with genuine love of God. That which appears to be excessive to the world to the heart of the besotted, is necessary. A devoted, fervent soul will stop at nothing to make its love known.
Yet, the pursuit continues far beyond sanctity. One has never reached a state that is ‘good enough’…(read St. John of the Cross, The Spiritual Canticle)…
What is it then to be called to be holy? The Lord Jesus meets us on the road. His hope is that we find and recognize Him on the road because otherwise we will most certainly exert ourselves far beyond what is necessary to know Him. When a holy person approaches the Lord Jesus in prayer it is gentle and simple. Kneeling on the outside and on the inside, the holy soul waits in adoration. Since these souls are friends of the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit Himself takes pains to lift the very soul to God and the humble soul is thus reminded again of her smallness.
God bestows this gem of holiness on those who allow themselves to be found; on those who drop their defences and begin to loosen their fearful grip on time and ‘their lives’. Characteristic of this holiness is the disappearance of all anxiety regarding the passing of one’s life and having ‘nothing to show for it’. The best imaginable moment is one of perfectly simple receptivity. This can’t be taught but it must be learned.
Look at these lives:
Brother Andre Bessette
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
St Gemma Galgani
Not only do they know that God IS, they know that God is NEAR. That God is here in this moment in a more real way than we are here in this moment. It is only because He is here, in this moment that we ARE.
The holiness we all want, as children of the John Paul II generation is holiness in its simplest form. For surely true holiness is essentially this: the aroma that emanates from a simple heart. This holiness is without the trappings and the complexities that plague all other areas of our society. It is paradoxical in that it is simple to live out once gained but so difficult to attain by human effort. By this very fact, we establish its supernatural nature…this holiness seems to find those who befriend silence regardless of their state of life. The activist can find it just as surely as can the contemplative.
This true holiness is a divine science that is unitive (brings together opposites: the introvert and extrovert, the academic and the blue-collar worker). It is without principle but richly layered and unmistakeable in its manifestations. Those who ‘emit’ this fragrance are mostly unaware or are indifferent to this emission because this holiness-in all its sweetness- is merely secondary. The only thing that matters to the truly holy is communion with the Beloved. Anything else that flows forth as a fruit of this union is considered superfluous to the enamoured.
The devotion of the saints is unique in that it is completely object-centred. Devotion springs forth from love in the way a mother fusses over her child. Love underlies all of her efforts and even the most eccentric movements of a mother’s heart towards her child are out of a selfless, all-consuming love. So it is with genuine love of God. That which appears to be excessive to the world to the heart of the besotted, is necessary. A devoted, fervent soul will stop at nothing to make its love known.
Yet, the pursuit continues far beyond sanctity. One has never reached a state that is ‘good enough’…(read St. John of the Cross, The Spiritual Canticle)…
What is it then to be called to be holy? The Lord Jesus meets us on the road. His hope is that we find and recognize Him on the road because otherwise we will most certainly exert ourselves far beyond what is necessary to know Him. When a holy person approaches the Lord Jesus in prayer it is gentle and simple. Kneeling on the outside and on the inside, the holy soul waits in adoration. Since these souls are friends of the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit Himself takes pains to lift the very soul to God and the humble soul is thus reminded again of her smallness.
God bestows this gem of holiness on those who allow themselves to be found; on those who drop their defences and begin to loosen their fearful grip on time and ‘their lives’. Characteristic of this holiness is the disappearance of all anxiety regarding the passing of one’s life and having ‘nothing to show for it’. The best imaginable moment is one of perfectly simple receptivity. This can’t be taught but it must be learned.
Look at these lives:
Brother Andre Bessette
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
St Gemma Galgani
Not only do they know that God IS, they know that God is NEAR. That God is here in this moment in a more real way than we are here in this moment. It is only because He is here, in this moment that we ARE.
Friday, December 28, 2007
and a happy new year to you
We get one shot at 2008, let's walk it well.
Merry Christmas and a happy new to each one of you.
May this year find you unable to imagine yourself any more complete on this side.
May you love and be loved.
May you find many reasons to believe that life is a beautiful privilege and in turn may you live each day in such a way to awaken many others to this mentality.
God bless you all..!
Merry Christmas and a happy new to each one of you.
May this year find you unable to imagine yourself any more complete on this side.
May you love and be loved.
May you find many reasons to believe that life is a beautiful privilege and in turn may you live each day in such a way to awaken many others to this mentality.
God bless you all..!
Friday, October 26, 2007
red yellow brown and gold
Anytime I think about the task of updating this blog it makes my head spin because I am so aware of the complete upheaval that has happened within me throughout the past 3 months!
I am still the same girl but I have shed a few layers and lost a lot of baggage (both literally and figuratively since I have committed to a year of poverty).
I am now a first year postulant in the Queenship of Mary community which will eventually lead me, God-willing, to becoming a Catholic sister-complete with vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. When I think about what it is that " I" am undertaking (although I claim none of it as my own doing) I note that I must seem like a complete fanatic. But that's what passion does... I never was one to skirt the edges...
Here I am almost three months in. I own some books, and one suit(with reinforcements of the same suit). Everything I have can be said to belong to everyone else in this community. Today I was applying for Ontario Health coverage and when I was asked for a bill or a pay stub confirming my Ontario mailing address I was stumped because I don't have either of these options ! This must seem ludicrous to the world that I simply don't exist (in a conventional way at least).
So what do we do? We pray, study theology and philosophy, spend time with the most remarkable people and we work within the community part time. Talk about structure...every second is accounted for! Only now am I alone in this house for the first time. If I were to pick one word to describe this experience it would have to be: full. I live a very full life, with no idle time at all (hence my absence on MSN and facebook...a part of the past and I don't miss either one ounce!)
After this year, we will each (there are 6 of us) come to a decision with the help of the Mother Superior, whether or not we will remain in community or move on. If we choose to stay, on August 22,2008, we will assume the habit and take the three temporal promises of poverty, chastity and obedience (professed to the Bishop). There are several young women in discernment for joining us next year already... things are moving so quickly..!!
Ok I feel a little less daunted at the thought of writing from where I am now.. no more unnatural explanations! Beyond this point, formalities would seem superfluous.. I will bridge the rest of the gap when appropriate.
It is a crisp fall day of my favourite variety in Ottawa, and I am feeling light...
I am still the same girl but I have shed a few layers and lost a lot of baggage (both literally and figuratively since I have committed to a year of poverty).
I am now a first year postulant in the Queenship of Mary community which will eventually lead me, God-willing, to becoming a Catholic sister-complete with vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. When I think about what it is that " I" am undertaking (although I claim none of it as my own doing) I note that I must seem like a complete fanatic. But that's what passion does... I never was one to skirt the edges...
Here I am almost three months in. I own some books, and one suit(with reinforcements of the same suit). Everything I have can be said to belong to everyone else in this community. Today I was applying for Ontario Health coverage and when I was asked for a bill or a pay stub confirming my Ontario mailing address I was stumped because I don't have either of these options ! This must seem ludicrous to the world that I simply don't exist (in a conventional way at least).
So what do we do? We pray, study theology and philosophy, spend time with the most remarkable people and we work within the community part time. Talk about structure...every second is accounted for! Only now am I alone in this house for the first time. If I were to pick one word to describe this experience it would have to be: full. I live a very full life, with no idle time at all (hence my absence on MSN and facebook...a part of the past and I don't miss either one ounce!)
After this year, we will each (there are 6 of us) come to a decision with the help of the Mother Superior, whether or not we will remain in community or move on. If we choose to stay, on August 22,2008, we will assume the habit and take the three temporal promises of poverty, chastity and obedience (professed to the Bishop). There are several young women in discernment for joining us next year already... things are moving so quickly..!!
Ok I feel a little less daunted at the thought of writing from where I am now.. no more unnatural explanations! Beyond this point, formalities would seem superfluous.. I will bridge the rest of the gap when appropriate.
It is a crisp fall day of my favourite variety in Ottawa, and I am feeling light...
Sunday, September 30, 2007
still singing...
I haven't forgotten about my long lost friends who frequent this blog from time to time... I will catch everyone up to speed this week. It's not that things are settling down, it's just that I am adapting.
But true to the name of this blog, still I will sing. Until next time...
But true to the name of this blog, still I will sing. Until next time...
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